I tend to freak out when a person starts to get too close to me. When i was younger, I was one of the most loving and confident little girls you could imagine. I was willing to let anyone into my life and was willing to love and care about them with all my heart. When I was in sixth grade my first boyfriend broke up with me. Now I know what you’re thinking, a sixth grade relationship cannot honestly be even close to a real adult relationship and getting broken up with at that age would have no consequences on a person’s perception of love. You’d be wrong to think that. For years I was guarded. I wouldn’t let anyone in, at least no boys. I had a couple boyfriends here and there but I was always in charge. I made sure I didn’t like them as much as they liked me and I made sure to set a deadline of when I was going to end it so I wouldn’t end up hurt. Towards the end of my freshman year of high school that all changed. I started dating this boy I had met at a church picnic who was mutual friends with my best friend’s boyfriend. Complicated, I know. We started dating on Friday, April 13th. Yes, friday the 13th, believe me I had little hope for this relationship right from the start with a starting date like that. But for some reason he changed everything for me. He made me believe in love again and made me think that two people really could find their soul mates that early in life. I thought he was going to be the boy I married, that’s how much I cared about him. He built up enough trust with me that I gave in to caring again and I gave in to putting my whole heart into something. I truly believed him when he said he would never hurt me. Little did I know, that was all a lie. He broke up with me two days before we went off to college. The same college I might add. Not only the same college, but the same dorm, directly above one another. For the first few weeks it was like I lived in my own little hell and couldn’t escape no matter how hard I tried. I tried getting over him, tried moving on. Went through a succession of failed hook ups, failed crushes, and failed relationships. Only to get to where I am now, single and confused. And to be completely honest, I have no idea how single I truly am. I really like one of my really close friends at school. He’s really an all around great guy and he seems to like me too. Unfortunately, right now our relationship is really just a close friendship with some hooking up. Which I suppose to some is a relationship, to some that’s even better than a relationship. But the problem is, I don’t know anything that’s going through his head. I don’t know if we’re exclusive. I don’t know if he considers us an item. I don’t know if he wants us to be considered an item now or ever. I need to talk to him and I know I need to talk to him soon, but we both have such busy schedules that the only time I’ve gotten to see him is either after he’s been drinking or super late on a weekend night when all either of us wants to do is snuggle into bed and fall asleep. I really care about him and it’s hard for me to be willing to give this a try and risk the friendship we have but I really do like him and am highly attracted to him. I can only hope he’s as attracted to me. He’s had some really attractive girlfriends in the past and I’m just worried I don’t stack up as anything more than a friend with benefits for him. I guess it’s time to talk to him about it so I can stop worrying. Especially since spring break is about to come and we’ll be gone for a week and who knows what will happen. Keep your fingers crossed this all works out for me please! I really haven’t had the best of luck lately with guys and I really want to turn that around and I’m hoping he’s the one to do that.
I told myself this semester that I was going to be ok on my own. That I wasn’t going to crush on any guys and that I wasn’t going to go after any meaningless weekend fling. But of course my feelings have officially gotten the best of me yet again and I’m starting to crush on one of my good friends. He’s a sweetheart but to be honest I don’t know if he’s ready to be the boyfriend type yet. He’s so nice to me and I love hanging out with him. Plus the fact that he is incredibly attractive and fit and can do a back flip, is blonde, over 6’ 1”, can dance, has a six pack or at least pretty close to one, is such a great guy to his family, and is really smart. I know I was avoiding liking him because my roommate last year had a crush on him for a little bit and a friend of mine had a thing with him over the summer and a bit into last semester. But honestly I told my roommate how I feel about him and she’s so happy for me and so glad I finally am admitting that I like him. It’s just really difficult now because we hung out all last night and were cuddly and adorable and now I’m like afraid to text him because I don’t want him to get the wrong idea but I don’t want to not text him and have him get the opposite wrong idea but I don’t want to bring it up and flat out be like .. I like you and I’m attracted to you but I do not want to be your hookup I want it to mean something for real if we do anything at all. Which I’m hoping the fact that he is now just in a double with his really awesome roommate who has a really sweet girlfriend who he seems to really care about if not love. It’s just hard because I’m not really in his ‘circle’ which I think is good and bad. Bad part is I don’t spend as much time with him as they do but good thing is I don’t have to worry about a battle of friendships if we did try something but didn’t work out. Thankfully our mutual friends are above that and I think both of us are now too. Now I just really want to know what’s going on in his head.. Which is exactly why I told myself I wasn’t going to focus on guys this semester because I hate this not knowing period. It just kills me :/ Bahh.. Off to my nap to make up for the lack of sleep I got last night (not that it wasn’t well worth the sacrifice ;) )